Choose A Cocktail Based Off The "Succession" Character You Most Identify With

Source: HBO

Sometimes, picking a drink is the hardest part of your day. Don’t worry, this isn’t concerning, although we aren’t doctors. You know who has an extensive liquor cabinet and might be experiencing the same kind of decision fatigue? The Roy Family. Look no further than the Emmy award-winning HBO series Succession to help make the decision for you:

If You’re A Kendall…

Much like Kendall, your life, no offense, is a bit of a mess right now. You could make it even messier by driving off a bridge while on Ketamine, or worse, you could indulge in the everything-but-the-kitchen-sink of drinks, a Long Island Iced Tea. You might kill someone either way, but it could inspire you to write some bars for your dad’s next birthday party AND rack in some streaming money from Spotify.

If You’re A Logan…

You’re the boss, and you will force your houseguests to be boars on the floor and oink for their food to prove your power. You may have even gotten pee thrown at you because of your ruthless nature. You’re an absolute fucking savage, drink like it. Have an entire bottle of straight scotch... or else get on the floor and oink, you pig.

If You’re A Greg…

You’re a snake and a sneak. You may look harmless, but you will blackmail your way to the top. You know what else creeps up on you when you least expect it? Jungle Juice. Sabotage the very company that was supposed to pay you millions based off your bloodline alone by dipping back into the primordial soup of frat bros everywhere.

If You’re A Tom...

Listen, you may try to be your father-in-law’s favorite, but face it, you’re not one of his kids. He will always see you as a spineless, soft, Brunello Cuccinelli-wearing wannabe, and knows your Rolex is fake. You know what? Maybe embrace it, and just drink a fucking Pina Colada on his yacht knowing that you’re married to the woman who will inherit his entire fortune.

If You’re A Shiv…

Your brothers may overlook you since you’re the only one with two X chromosomes, and yet you’ve beaten them all and made your way to the top. You’re dad’s favorite because you differentiate yourself in ways that the others can’t: you’re classy, sophisticated, and stylish (wouldn’t buy those dreadful Lanvin sneakers). The perfect drink to pair is a glass of Veuve Clicquot.

If You’re A Geri…

Have you ever hooked up with someone you helped raise as a baby? If so, you’re a dirty bitch. And yet, you’re reliable, always in fashion, and people can trust that you can get the job done, much like a classic dirty martini.

If You’re A Connor...

You’re temperamental, and no one can predict what you’ll do next. Will you propose to the escort you’ve been seeing regularly or run for president? Who knows! Why not pop open a bottle of natural wine and see where the night takes you.

If You’re A Willa...

Honestly? No one thought you’d make it this far. You claim you’re only a few million dollars away from your big break (or a few thousand tons of sand). Although you’re undeniably basic, the richest guy in your Tinder matches still chose to pick you, much like a standard vodka soda that could be found anywhere.

If You’re A Marcia...

Um, what is your deal, and why are there scratch marks on your husband’s back? No one ever knows what the hell you are up to. You don’t smile, and when you do, it’s probably because someone got hurt. For a night you won’t remember that will likely end in a few bruises, pour yourself some absinthe.

If You’re A Roman...

Do you ever bring your friends to the most obscure club you’ve ever heard of just to flex? Do you also ever feel a compulsion to start hooking up with someone….perhaps the general counsel of your dad’s company? Much like a mimosa, you try really hard to be dignified, but no one actually takes you seriously after the hours of 12-2pm on Sunday.